Talkin' 'Bout My G-G-Generation

Paul: Heh? What'd he say?
Mary: He said he's talkin' 'bout his generation!
P: What, does he stutter now?
M: No, honey. Don't you remember? He had a stroke. He has trouble speaking in full sentences.
P: A stroke!? A young guy like him?
M: He's 65!
P: No, he's my age.
M: [Look of disgust.]
P: [Sheepishly] Well, I mean, 65 isn't old.
M: It's not exactly young either. You know, honey, I think we're going to have to admit that we are getting older. We are the people that we used to warn ourselves about. You know, the ones who couldn't be trusted.
P: Nah! Not us. We're not old, not like our parents were.
M: You mean that we refuse to grow up and take responsibility?
P: No! I just mean, you know, we're not really old.
M: When we were 18, we thought that 65 was pretty damned old.
P: Well, now they say that 65 is the new 45.
M: I thought that 65 was the new 55.
P: It was, but now that we've reached 65, it's the new 45.
M: Oh. I see [clearly perplexed].

[Disclosure: I am a Baby Boomer (toward the end of that generation), so I feel fully justified and qualified to make the following observations without apology to my fellow BBs.]

So, it happened. The Baby Boomers (BBs) have gotten old. Not that they're willing to admit it. And there's so many of them, and they are so used to getting their way, that they will completely revise the language before they admit that they are old.

Ten years ago, we were told that 60 was the new 50 and 50 was the new 40.

But just a few days ago, I was sitting in a doctor's waiting room. There was a TV on, tuned to a morning news program, out of my sight but not out of my hearing. They were doing a segment on how BBs feel about being grandparents. To sum up: they don't like it. Oh, wait. I mean, they love that their kids are having kids, and they love their grandchildren, but they don't love being seen as being old enough to have grandchildren, and they really don't love the word “grandma” because it embodies, for them, all kinds of negative stereotypes about age. In this segment, one of the women being interviewed whined on and on about this stereotype that she had about being “grandma” and how it didn't fit her and so forth. She went on to inform the viewing public that everyone knows that now 60 is the new 40, so she's really only about 45 years old, and that certainly isn't old. So people need to get a new idea about grandparenting, according to this woman.

I was surprised by this because I didn't realize that we have now dropped two decades in age. Pretty soon, I'll be young enough to return to high school. (Ugh! What a horrible thought!)

Well, I can, and I will, over the coming months, write more about the Whiniest Generation, but for now, I'll just put forth this revised language guide for those of you who are having trouble keeping up.

As things currently stand, the following new terminology applies:
60 is the new 40.
50 is the new 30.
However, I think that 30 is still 30, and 20 is still 20. Otherwise, 20-year-olds would be infants, and high schoolers would not even be a gleam in their parents' eyes (not an altogether bad thing, mind you).
Jazzy power chairs are the new VW Bugs.
Deafness is the new rock-concert day-after.
Medications for actual medical conditions have taken the place of recreational drugs.
Strokes are the new recreational-drug-induced blackouts.
Alzheimers is the new LSD.
Nursing homes are the new Woodstock (too many people—many of whom are unbathed and/or out of their minds—crammed together in one place with not enough facilities to go around).
Death is the new life.

Adjust your age, medical diagnoses, adaptive devices, and undergarments accordingly. Actually, speaking of undergarments, they are problematic. Depends® would be the new underwear, but since we dispensed with that long ago, we don't actually know how to reframe incontinence-wear, we just know that really bad things happen if we don't use it.

The New Speak ages refer only to people in their mid-40s through 60s. You are out of luck if you are 70 or above, as the Old System still applies and you are still old (and not to be trusted).

We hope that this helps in interpreting what you hear being said around you these days. If you can even hear what's being said around you. If you can't hear what's being said around you, just enjoy the trip.